Appreciation post

I was able to scroll through my WordPress posts and damn, all I can say is that I’m such a pessimist. Looking back, I can really say that I have so much hatred towards the world during my younger years where I used to comply to what is right with respect to the society’s standards and hold myself back most of the time – which lead me to ponder on a serious matter we recently talked about.

Years back, I found it silly when you asked me if I was suicidal. Mental health care at that time was a taboo and I, myself, thought I can beat the odds and not dwell on being anxious or depressed. So I responded to your question – a firm “no”. However, now, I can reveal the truth because finally, I’m not finding it shameful to admit my actual feelings back then. I had lots of past traumas which made me think most things I knew felt normal. I’m having a hard time to assess if my thoughts seemingly lean towards ending my life because they were not gruesome, at least for me. It was just as simple as I wouldn’t mind if an unfortunate accident occur while I was at the back ride of the tricycle and get thrown into the road or when I get hit by a bus while jaywalking at Lawton walking towards the LRT station. It seemed simple but having those thoughts were actually not okay. I just didn’t accept at that time even if it meant ending something beautiful in this lifetime.

It took me several years before realizing that I actually had suicidal thoughts. And this is all thanks to you. You made me brave enough to feel vulnerable and face reality. You made me feel that it was okay as long as I’m living my life without such intrusive thoughts in the present. The past six years was so magical that you restored genuine happiness in my life, no kidding. You made me want to experience what the universe has to offer and so much more. And so I did; I’ve been meaning to spend the rest of my lifetime with you, leaving the past behind.

I was really into writing and I appreciate that you constantly affirm that I’m good at it. I can agree to some extent but I wouldn’t actually say that I’m great. During my pre-school days, I can vividly remember how I would excel at all subjects except Reading – the only subject where you just have to literally read and answer questions related to the narrative. I suck at it. I had a very short attention span even when I was young. I wasn’t fond of reading the stories; I go straight to the questions and see if I can answer them at my own will – defeats the purpose of the subject. If only I overcame my laziness to read, I could’ve been great at writing without doubting my skills now.

I knew my weakness so I veered my attention off to Language. I may not be that good at telling cohesive stories but I made sure I knew the fundamentals of grammar. Maybe that’s why I keep on writing of long sorts; expressing myself with the language I’m somewhat familiar with. I can easily tell if someone else’s writing is better compared to mine because all my head thinks is “Bakit ‘di ko naisip isulat ‘yon?” I instantly feel inferior because it just proves I lack at something. But thanks for always keeping me in check especially on times you give me the validation I never knew I needed.

And since I kept on sending you long messages, you felt the need to reciprocate at first. You have been trying your best to make such good pieces and still be ashamed to share because you would always think I’d judged it entirely. Thanks for taking the extra mile for doing something you’re not comfortable with. I sincerely appreciate that. At one point, you stopped sending one because you realized it was not you. And that was okay. You prefer telling your thoughts directly to me. It was frustrating for me at first to spill out everything at once without receiving the same kind of energy back. But love isn’t all about reciprocation. You give love because you love the person. You can only expect to receive the love you give but never of equal amount all the time.

I witnessed how you were able to give your love all out and how I was not able to properly reciprocate it. So why would I ask for something in return if I’m the one taking efforts now? You adjusted on how I was in our relationship. We were complete opposites as we knew each other longer. You’re spontaneous; I want to plan things and stick with the plan. You prefer video calls; I’d rather send a long-ass message on chat (this was before I came out). You like movies; I have a short attention span to even finish a 40-minute show in one sitting. You would spend impulsively; I’d like to be more practical. You managed to bear with me and recalibrate your character just to meet my needs even if it means it’ll contradict yours. You were doing all these things because it’s in your nature to make someone you love feel loved. And I felt that up to my deepest core. Despite all these differences (a whole lot more I haven’t mentioned), we managed to stay beside each other and make our relationship work. We eventually knew our similarities and sticked to them to enjoy our ride. We became compatible in supporting the UST team, watching volleyball games, fanboy-ing on Korean girl groups, and being clingy and comfortable in bed 👀 to say the least.

You’re best at adjusting when we were together before and now that we’re apart, I saw how you struggle. That’s why it occurred to me to step up and be the one who has to broaden my patience and not force things with you. The more you feel pushed to do things, the less you will care and eventually not execute them. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m trying my very best to just go with your flow and to not be too assertive in taking up your time. I’d like for you to talk to me whenever you feel like it. I stopped barging you with my thoughts which kept bugging me because it’s something from the past and we’re moving forward now. I stopped expecting you’d need me all the time so I started choosing to do other stuff (aka working out) at my own pace now.

It’s truly difficult to be in a long distance relationship and we can attest to that now. I’ve been having so many little breakdowns from time to time because I initially thought that as long as I get to save more, it’s a win for me. It didn’t cross my mind how this would affect our relationship and my mental health. I would worry more because we became intangible to each other. Worse, I’m damn afraid someone else would find you really attractive and interesting and make you feel things you deserve, and fall for him. You know this now and I wouldn’t want to lose you ever again. I hope I can make you feel loved in spite of the distance. I’m a firm believer that we can sort most things, if not everything, out and eventually live together happily once again. So I hope you’ll still be present when I get back to the airport back home (or I’ll be present when you decided to step abroad).

You are so much more than a pretty face and a façade of aesthetic content. Yes, you have such lovely eyebrows and lips. Only a few who grows beard suits their face and you’re one of them. Your chest is such a nice place to sleep hehe. You know your beautiful angles and pose at the camera comfortably. But aside from those physical compliments, you are so much more and surely are a keeper. You are adorable and genuinely kind. You’re a smart person, giving sincere opinions. You consider other people’s feelings before yours at times. You’re patient enough to tolerate me. You allow yourself to feel vulnerable when you needed to. You stayed with me despite my past and took the risk to truly love me.

I’m still trying to improve as an individual, a boyfriend, a family member, a friend. But there were, are and will be times that I would still feel hurt because of the things we allowed to happen. And you have nothing to worry about. These things will not go away easily but it will surely fade away through time. I just hope you can bear with me while I try to navigate myself in our situation and allow me to feel things. You can only imagine how hard it is for me whenever I feel homesick and I don’t have any close friends to run to whenever I need to. I can be happy all day but in just a snap, whenever longingness uninvitedly taps me, it will just be more difficult to deal with it alone. We survived a war and I hope we continue to be timeless.

At this point, I hope this post would rather impose a positive tone than another pessimistic one just like what I used to write before. More importantly, I hope we already found each other’s way back home – in each other’s arms – just like what I appealed to my previous post. I will be forever grateful to you for becoming my person and I will continue to be your safe space as we sail through this beautiful life that we have. I love you more than you’ll ever know.

A love letter to someone I’d choose everyday

I heard you like peonies. I hope you like the ones you receive even though they’re artificial. The good side of it is that it’ll last longer than the real ones hehe. Don’t worry, I’ll personally hand real peonies to you next time.

Allow me to celebrate you, me and us on our 6th year of being together. It may have taken countless ups and downs, twists and turns before I finally stood my ground to be able to celebrate a milestone within our relationship but we only regret the chances we didn’t take. So now, I’m taking this chance to acknowledge what we have, what we feel and what we’ve become – hoping that it’s not too late. Counting the years will not make a significant difference but I would just like to appreciate all the good things, and even the bad ones, that made our relationship come this far.

Six years ago, the quote “If you see beauty in something, don’t wait for others to agree” made me feel things. We pursued something we only imagined at first but ended up finding. It was the first time for both of us to engage in a serious relationship after college but you made me feel safe and told me that as long as we got each other, we will feel happy and content. We were so lost many times, but we made sure that we have each other’s backs and constantly made one another’s existence valid.

Looking back with the years we spent together, I just couldn’t feel anything but gratefulness. I’ve read our first exchange of birthday messages in 2017/18 and it hit differently. I just want to reiterate that you are truly a blessing especially in my life. I couldn’t be more blessed to be with someone who cares so much for other people more than himself. A man who gives his all just to make the people around him happy. A partner who is truly genuine of his feelings with very clear intentions. You always try to exceed the expectations that did not originally exist.

Love is one thing people constantly crave for and is something that is so difficult to consistently give. You became the primary person who made and is making me feel loved throughout the years. I always say this before but I kept losing grip with lots of things but being with you made me feel I’ve gained more than enough. Thank you for letting me experience magic – we never imagined happening – in your arms. I can still remember you told me how sometimes you gaze at me and your world just slows down, telling yourself how lucky you are. Before, this line sounded so cheesy that we both cringe at it but reading it now made it feel so heavy. Don’t get me wrong; I appreciated it then but I recognize the worth of it more especially now that we’re away from each other. I’d trade everything now just to spend gazing and cuddling next to each other infinite times just like what we always do.

We felt so down the past few weeks but I hope the time spent being apart from each other will just ignite more spark into longing for one another. I apologize if I haven’t completely expressed my love and affection towards you throughout the years; for depriving you of what you truly deserve. It just sucks that all I can do now is wait until we see each other again. It took me six long years before I felt the need to make you feel extra special and someone to be proud of to others. I hope we can make up for lost moments. Because it is important to note that all fears are invitations to be brave. With all the recent happenings where I chose to somehow crack my shell, it was so fulfilling to be able to share that beautiful moment with you, telling the world how proud I am to have you as my partner because that is what you deserve. It was really the definition of being vulnerable yet powerful at the same time. I’m hoping that your patience to wait for me and for this time to finally come does not waiver and is never too late. At the end of it all, I hope we continue to be each other’s safe spaces and may we find each other’s way back home – in each other’s arms.

Thank you for becoming my person.

Lagi’t lagi, ikaw ang pipiliin ko. Sana hindi ka magsawa.

Mahal na mahal kita.

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2am thoughts

I’m torn. They say we should listen to what people say when they’re mad because that’s when the truth comes out. But then there’s another quote stating; when you’re mad at someone, be careful what you say because your mind feels angry but your heart still cares.

I honestly don’t know which statement to follow since if I believe on the former, it’ll just break my heart for knowing the sad truth. That we are left with no choice – it’s better to be over. But if the latter weighs more, it’ll be a huge relief that this is just another phase for reconciliation and to improve to be better together.

why, oh, why

When you’re in the middle of an argument and the “bring-up-your-past” card is being presented right in front of your face, you won’t feel less of a person. You must not feel less of a person since you’ve embraced your shortcomings and you already become a better version of yourself eventually. It was never wrong to point out your mistakes; however, it is not appropriate to use them against you. You already learned from them and you apply your collected learnings from time to time.

In such case of new knowledge which technically you are unaware of beforehand, it is totally fine if you just shrugged it off and did not inform the other person. However, if you seem to not properly respond and avoid answering, it feels off and does not guarantee assurance that everything is okay. What is communication doing when it is the key for solving issues?

Opposite judgments often lead to chaos. If your belief stands on the other person’s way, then you’re both doomed. However, there’s such thing as compromise and this can be done through proper communication. Both parties feel hurt, one you haven’t thought so much. Being curious upon noticing what’s been different is painful. You think what has happened, why is it not relayed to you, how come you are unaware of it, and a lot more. It becomes more hurtful when the other just want to leave it behind and does not want to make a fuss about it.

*alexa, play Somebody Else by The 1975

¿¿

aside from the wildfire in Australia, Taal Volcano eruption and the now-COVID-19 outbreak, nakakawalang gana na lang talaga ang life in general. katamad mag-explain pero fuck your inability to feel things

nakakapagod

saan ba ‘to patungo

cue *somebody else*

I’ve been feeling sad for a couple of weeks now. The heavy feeling often strikes before I go to sleep, which is common to everyone else. Why does an “okay” day has to end with lots of thinking to do? Heads up.

always think

before you blink

just because it’s not yours

you’ll be excused, sitting on the floor

yours was great

of course no one would hate

focused on thy self

while giving effort to somebody’s

how could that help

when you only pay attention to yourself clearly

always think

before you blink

Another all about me

I always caught myself off guard from exhaustion. I get tired so easily to things, to people, to people’s actions and words, to whatever it is. I may look motivated but I already lost myself in a battle where I was left with pure exhaustion.

It’s hard for me to digest all the negativity that surrounds me. I get easily affected once I know I was, at one point, the reason for someone’s bad decision.

At this stage in my life, I can see how uneasy it is for my future partner to tolerate me as a person. I’m the perfectionist, kinda bossy type, who wants his decisions be well equipped with a logical reason. I like my partner to know what should be the top priority without excluding those little things. It is through these little things which can be a measure of how the most unnoticeable ones can truly find their value.

I am a fan of simple clothes. Just like my taste for food, I don’t want anything fancy just for show. I’d like to know what are the ingredients and the whole process where it originated. I’m not after what you look like in a usual pambahay outfit going out. As long as we go out together looking so basic, not pretending to be clothed by what society wants to see you is fine.

Joining the workforce sure is a chaotic journey. One thing that goes into mind after at least 8 hours of work is to relax and sleep the stress away. I don’t get how other people get their energy to visit the gym or watch films until late night when I can barely move due to unwanted tiredness. And a reality check of having a responsibility in the household which needs to be established for further growth as a decent human being. I need someone who will wrap around my tired bones at night.

I also label myself as selfish since I want my attention all over me. Yeah, too much but if you’re out with someone, an update won’t hurt a little, dear. It’s as if you forgot that there’s someone worrying for your whereabouts yet you managed not to give a little hint of what has transpired for a few hours since you last messaged.

Standing on my own beliefs actually helps me not to say yes to everyone. I tend to balance those decisions where I think I’d feel better. I don’t want to rely on someone’s decision just because I don’t want to be KJ or I don’t want to go against the flow. I have my own thinking capacity and that’s enough for me to hold on to what I think will benefit me the most.

What a waste of energy it is to be restricted by unnecessary forces the universe try to give you. Finding someone who will stay by your side forever, for better or for worse, is not a walk in the park. You may found the one, but the whole process to arrive at your destination will be a whole lot messier. Just make sure that he/she is worthy of witnessing your highs and lows and overcoming everything that goes against both of you. To my future lifetime partner, let’s fight the good fight!