I’ve been feeling sad for a couple of weeks now. The heavy feeling often strikes before I go to sleep, which is common to everyone else. Why does an “okay” day has to end with lots of thinking to do? Heads up.
before you blink
just because it’s not yours
you’ll be excused, sitting on the floor
yours was great
of course no one would hate
focused on thy self
while giving effort to somebody’s
how could that help
when you only pay attention to yourself clearly
before you blink
I always caught myself off guard from exhaustion. I get tired so easily to things, to people, to people’s actions and words, to whatever it is. I may look motivated but I already lost myself in a battle where I was left with pure exhaustion.
It’s hard for me to digest all the negativity that surrounds me. I get easily affected once I know I was, at one point, the reason for someone’s bad decision.
At this stage in my life, I can see how uneasy it is for my future partner to tolerate me as a person. I’m the perfectionist, kinda bossy type, who wants his decisions be well equipped with a logical reason. I like my partner to know what should be the top priority without excluding those little things. It is through these little things which can be a measure of how the most unnoticeable ones can truly find their value.
I am a fan of simple clothes. Just like my taste for food, I don’t want anything fancy just for show. I’d like to know what are the ingredients and the whole process where it originated. I’m not after what you look like in a usual pambahay outfit going out. As long as we go out together looking so basic, not pretending to be clothed by what society wants to see you is fine.
Joining the workforce sure is a chaotic journey. One thing that goes into mind after at least 8 hours of work is to relax and sleep the stress away. I don’t get how other people get their energy to visit the gym or watch films until late night when I can barely move due to unwanted tiredness. And a reality check of having a responsibility in the household which needs to be established for further growth as a decent human being. I need someone who will wrap around my tired bones at night.
I also label myself as selfish since I want my attention all over me. Yeah, too much but if you’re out with someone, an update won’t hurt a little, dear. It’s as if you forgot that there’s someone worrying for your whereabouts yet you managed not to give a little hint of what has transpired for a few hours since you last messaged.
Standing on my own beliefs actually helps me not to say yes to everyone. I tend to balance those decisions where I think I’d feel better. I don’t want to rely on someone’s decision just because I don’t want to be KJ or I don’t want to go against the flow. I have my own thinking capacity and that’s enough for me to hold on to what I think will benefit me the most.
What a waste of energy it is to be restricted by unnecessary forces the universe try to give you. Finding someone who will stay by your side forever, for better or for worse, is not a walk in the park. You may found the one, but the whole process to arrive at your destination will be a whole lot messier. Just make sure that he/she is worthy of witnessing your highs and lows and overcoming everything that goes against both of you. To my future lifetime partner, let’s fight the good fight!
Hate is such a strong word. That uneasy feeling you get towards something or someone. That uncontrollably sense of irritation when one word or action triggers your nerves. That unnecessary timing that seems to absorb all the negative energy.
One’s unlikely attitude of being forgetful can lead to terrible mistakes. Having a lot to juggle in everyday’s battle has always been everyone’s daily struggle. You just have to keep up with the tedious, fast-paced cycle and be mindful of all the things you have to do and you have to say. You can be forgetful at times. But you can’t stay forgetful forever.
Publicizing every decision and move you make is not everyone else’s business. You can’t get sympathy from spilling everything out to people. Stop invalidating someone’s capacity to hear you out because you might forget, before everyone else whom you wanted to share your story, there’s someone who’s more willing to listen.
Efforts may not be of equal importance but actions can be a continuous cycle too. You might not stand to drink on a used and unwashed cup. The effort you exert on making a coffee for you to drink can be of equal importance as to how you put effort in making sure that the cup is clean before using it. It’s a process wherein a good outcome cannot always come from a delightful past. The ugly-pretty tandem always present itself balanced so that the efforts gained will produce a fruitful outcome without pulling each other down.
We should not tolerate hate as we should not let hatred consume our soul. It’s such a tiring to do, hence, we must hang loose and focus Continue reading “Spread love”
Filipino culture includes exceptional hospitality, famous “utang na loob” trait, and “happy at kapit lang kahit nahihirapan na” attitude.
But it doesn’t stop there. There’s this toxic thing where your relatives feel so entitled to be judgmental and spill anything they want to say.
I get it. They always want what’s best for us. However, there’s a fine line between asking you to do something what they think you should have done and taking the path you think suits you best.
What I think they don’t get is that I have my own goal and I want to attain self-fulfillment through achieving that goal. It’s easy for them to say that this field I chose can lead me to places and earn a huge amount of money in just a snap. But that’s just a walk-in-the-park scenario which they pictured through the stories they heard or the films they watched. Worse, they have no idea what reality looks and tastes like in this cruel realm when you’re an entry level and you want to quickly get out of it because the knowledge is too immense from the new environment you’re in. That it will take a lot of experience and time to reach that certain picture they have in mind.
When they lowkey drop the bomb of how I should’ve worked in the construction field to earn more than what I earn now, is it really their business? I get it that they want to maximize my fresh entry into the corporate world by earning more but did they even consider what type of work I prefer? I also get it that construction has been the go-to discipline of the commoners since it’s the most popular out of the several branches of my program but that doesn’t guarantee that it is the one I’d like to take. The design life is too underrated and people have no idea how stressful it is since every project is unique and the design itself requires extensive time, patience, on-point intellectual capacity to get it done (plus perpetual revisions if you’d like to add). My parents let me choose what I want and I hope everybody else does. Support is solely the key.
When they try to say I have been giving my family too little of what I earn, is it really also their business? I get it that some may think I’m too selfish for not giving all of my salary but have they thought of the fact that I and my sister already graduated, hence, no one in the family needs to pay for tuition fee and no daily allowance to suffice to? Which was the main cause that kept us for being too tight in the budget before. That was a huge relief for my parents since they were able to allocate the monthly budget into things which needs more consideration. So how come they waste their time on loathing me for giving too little when I also have my life where I have to pay my own bills. Yes; condo dues, utility bills, postpaid bill, transportation, daily food. Have they considered my needs?
I’m cringing for making me the antagonist in this plot they’re trying to appeal. I’m helping my family because I’m grateful for the sacrifices my parents made for me to be where I am right now. This is my way of giving back to somehow assist into what needs to be taken care of. I’m helping in the way I think I and my family will both be beneficial. I’m also trying to save for myself since I have my dreams ahead of me and I want them not to just stay as dreams but to turn them into reality. I want to pursue masters degree into my dream school, if not abroad, here in Taft. I want to travel alone, with my family and friends. I want to spoil myself though buying the things I longed for. I want to save for my future.
I learn each of every day. I’m continuously in the process of attaining maturity. I’m already grown. I know what I’m capable of. I want peace of mind. I want self-fulfillment.
FYI. It’s just them who labeled “too little” of what I contribute to my family. I firmly believe that what I give is enough.
Many will think that I’m just overreacting or stressing myself too much to the point that I’m dragging other people into the mess I’ve started. But that’s not it, folks. I’m actually going through something rough.
The past few days and weeks, I found myself so uneasy. I thought maybe this is just another episode of a battle versus myself but I wondered, is it still a phase if I’m constantly being bothered by my way of thinking. I’m thinking too much. I’ve always been far away from my family and I don’t even know what’s going on with everyone else. I lack time and communication to my friends because schedules are tight. I don’t think I’m good at my craft or maybe the time hasn’t just come for me yet to fully bloom and be confident with everything I do. I’m stressing over small things that shouldn’t matter and just let them pass. I’m worrying on how my future will turn out if I’m constantly looking on a pessimist perspective concerning the every little thing and action surrounding me.
It doesn’t feel right. To chase sunsets until sunsets chase you. To scream the best until you just let yourself whisper the worst. To ignore negativity until life ignores everything you ask for. To fear nothing until you feel afraid and cannot carry it all out anymore.
I can’t handle my emotions and the pressure squeezed in because I’m holding off too much.
I’m lost. Not knowing if I wanted to be found. I’m just completely lost.
What’s my purpose after all?
I’m one of those who can be so difficult to deal with. To be honest, I always thought that I can be a jolly, positive and patient person. But as I grow older each day, I’m slowly realizing I’m not who I thought I want to be. I’m becoming the opposite and maybe a little too hard to the people I encounter.
I’m one of those who wants to be spoiled, to get everything I want, and feel irritated when things were not done the way i like them to be. I hate the feeling of betrayal especially when we planned something together and you do it without me, post something online, be proud of what you did and where you are (intentionally or not, I don’t care you insensitive piece of crap). It’ll be hard for me to accept when you think that it’s not big of a deal. I don’t tolerate traitors. My head heats up, my heart races with rage, and my fists want somewhere near your face if that’ll be the case. I’m short-tempered and somehow problematic. I worry a lot therefore, I don’t want any additional room for unnecessary troubles.
Maybe, I’m somebody’s nightmare. Maybe, no one can eternally tolerate my attitude. Maybe, even the most patient person can leave me behind. Maybe, just maybe, I’m better off alone.