Fight me

Filipino culture includes exceptional hospitality, famous “utang na loob” trait, and “happy at kapit lang kahit nahihirapan na” attitude.

But it doesn’t stop there. There’s this toxic thing where your relatives feel so entitled to be judgmental and spill anything they want to say.

I get it. They always want what’s best for us. However, there’s a fine line between asking you to do something what they think you should have done and taking the path you think suits you best.

What I think they don’t get is that I have my own goal and I want to attain self-fulfillment through achieving that goal. It’s easy for them to say that this field I chose can lead me to places and earn a huge amount of money in just a snap. But that’s just a walk-in-the-park scenario which they pictured through the stories they heard or the films they watched. Worse, they have no idea what reality looks and tastes like in this cruel realm when you’re an entry level and you want to quickly get out of it because the knowledge is too immense from the new environment you’re in. That it will take a lot of experience and time to reach that certain picture they have in mind.

When they lowkey drop the bomb of how I should’ve worked in the construction field to earn more than what I earn now, is it really their business? I get it that they want to maximize my fresh entry into the corporate world by earning more but did they even consider what type of work I prefer? I also get it that construction has been the go-to discipline of the commoners since it’s the most popular out of the several branches of my program but that doesn’t guarantee that it is the one I’d like to take. The design life is too underrated and people have no idea how stressful it is since every project is unique and the design itself requires extensive time, patience, on-point intellectual capacity to get it done (plus perpetual revisions if you’d like to add). My parents let me choose what I want and I hope everybody else does. Support is solely the key.

When they try to say I have been giving my family too little of what I earn, is it really also their business? I get it that some may think I’m too selfish for not giving all of my salary but have they thought of the fact that I and my sister already graduated, hence, no one in the family needs to pay for tuition fee and no daily allowance to suffice to? Which was the main cause that kept us for being too tight in the budget before. That was a huge relief for my parents since they were able to allocate the monthly budget into things which needs more consideration. So how come they waste their time on loathing me for giving too little when I also have my life where I have to pay my own bills. Yes; condo dues, utility bills, postpaid bill, transportation, daily food. Have they considered my needs?

I’m cringing for making me the antagonist in this plot they’re trying to appeal. I’m helping my family because I’m grateful for the sacrifices my parents made for me to be where I am right now. This is my way of giving back to somehow assist into what needs to be taken care of. I’m helping in the way I think I and my family will both be beneficial. I’m also trying to save for myself since I have my dreams ahead of me and I want them not to just stay as dreams but to turn them into reality. I want to pursue masters degree into my dream school, if not abroad, here in Taft. I want to travel alone, with my family and friends. I want to spoil myself though buying the things I longed for. I want to save for my future.

I learn each of every day. I’m continuously in the process of attaining maturity. I’m already grown. I know what I’m capable of. I want peace of mind. I want self-fulfillment.

FYI. It’s just them who labeled “too little” of what I contribute to my family. I firmly believe that what I give is enough.

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Fight me

Take my hand

Many will think that I’m just overreacting or stressing myself too much to the point that I’m dragging other people into the mess I’ve started. But that’s not it, folks. I’m actually going through something rough.

The past few days and weeks, I found myself so uneasy. I thought maybe this is just another episode of a battle versus myself but I wondered, is it still a phase if I’m constantly being bothered by my way of thinking. I’m thinking too much. I’ve always been far away from my family and I don’t even know what’s going on with everyone else. I lack time and communication to my friends because schedules are tight. I don’t think I’m good at my craft or maybe the time hasn’t just come for me yet to fully bloom and be confident with everything I do. I’m stressing over small things that shouldn’t matter and just let them pass. I’m worrying on how my future will turn out if I’m constantly looking on a pessimist perspective concerning the every little thing and action surrounding me.

It doesn’t feel right. To chase sunsets until sunsets chase you. To scream the best until you just let yourself whisper the worst. To ignore negativity until life ignores everything you ask for. To fear nothing until you feel afraid and cannot carry it all out anymore.

I can’t handle my emotions and the pressure squeezed in because I’m holding off too much.

I’m lost. Not knowing if I wanted to be found. I’m just completely lost.

What’s my purpose after all?

Take my hand

Too hot to handle

I’m one of those who can be so difficult to deal with. To be honest, I always thought that I can be a jolly, positive and patient person. But as I grow older each day, I’m slowly realizing I’m not who I thought I want to be. I’m becoming the opposite and maybe a little too hard to the people I encounter.

I’m one of those who wants to be spoiled, to get everything I want, and feel irritated when things were not done the way i like them to be. I hate the feeling of betrayal especially when we planned something together and you do it without me, post something online, be proud of what you did and where you are (intentionally or not, I don’t care you insensitive piece of crap). It’ll be hard for me to accept when you think that it’s not big of a deal. I don’t tolerate traitors. My head heats up, my heart races with rage, and my fists want somewhere near your face if that’ll be the case. I’m short-tempered and somehow problematic. I worry a lot therefore, I don’t want any additional room for unnecessary troubles.

Maybe, I’m somebody’s nightmare. Maybe, no one can eternally tolerate my attitude. Maybe, even the most patient person can leave me behind. Maybe, just maybe, I’m better off alone.

Too hot to handle

I’m weak

How often can we interchange the thought of being strong into being weak? We might always say that we’re strong on the outside but our emotional tolerance can just barely hit the minimum. We might spill that we’re beyond okay but one word or action can easily turn the world upside down and break us into pieces.

Most men don’t want to be recognized as weak therefore, the impression to make to everyone should be intimidating, taunting and not be associated by whatever it is that will make them look weak. We were made to be strong outside because we are the ones whom women and other men lean on at times of need. But that doesn’t equate to the fact that we can’t feel vulnerable because in reality, there’s a soft spot in each one of us. There’s a unique factor that can trigger our senses and break down quickly without any warning. And when this happens, you cannot swallow your pride further because you’ve already entered the sweet spot of entertaining your weakness and welcoming it fully to let it all out. The boundary between respecting another person’s presence and time, and allowing not to think of any consequences that future actions might bring has its limit that no one can see it coming. It’s because no one, even yourself, can manage to know when will the time come for you to come to your senses, gather every problem, jealousy and any other triggering action and take the fall without your consent. You cannot knock yourself out to stay out of a mess that was unconciously brought up because it alreadyknocked you down inside before you even know it.

It is a huge struggle to let your burdens eat you alive, all by yourself. In the end, the greatest opponent you will face is yourself. There are countless times that we felt, we feel, and we’ll be feeling weak and it’s fine to admit it. Have courage. Be kind. Stay positive, kids.

I’m weak

Don’t exist

Coping with different personalities, unparralleled chaos and everything in between has been the root of how cruel life is to us. It is no easy to live because most of the times, you’re just there to exist. And that just sucks.

It is plain and simple. We are all seeking for our purpose in life and fulfill it while we can. But what if we’re veering off to a wrong direction and we’re trapped to a wrong mindset? How can we say that we’ve successfully lived?

No one wants to feel crushed, isolated and worse, a combination of both. To feel the opposite of what you wanted to feel. To let the people surrounding you feel that you’re an outcast and a bipolar adult. To realize that the stars haven’t aligned themselves for you and let your miserable character live inside a body of failure.

It completely sucks. We always wanted to give more out but we often fail. We always wanted to stay on track but we often fall out of it terribly. We always thought of living for us to realize that we are just merely existing.

Don’t exist

2cool2be4gotten

No one dared to ask how am I feeling.

No one dared to ask how am I doing.

It was always me who tries to reach out, but I’m the lone one who hasn’t been checked out if I’m feeling okay or not.

That’s the problem when people see you as someone who doesn’t carry so much troubles. They see you as a strong individual who can pave his way through the difficulties, however, deep inside, there lies a human being trying to exist in a world full of nightmares.

2cool2be4gotten

What’s the rush

I don’t get what’s the rush in getting a job. Maybe some does not and will never understand how exhausting it is to take a five-year engineering program, not to mention the five-month review for the board exam. The experience was brutal; sharpening your mind through solving endless prombles and picking up yourself so that you can follow the pace of others. But why can’t we enjoy at least a little time to just relax and pause for a while before heading into the game field. What is it so hard to understand that sleeping and doing nothing are not wrong leading others to call us lazy. Can’t we just keep our momentum so that we can have the energy we need once we acquire our first work experience and be slaves of the corporate world for we don’t know how long.

We won’t be bum forever. We don’t need the feel of your pressure to us because we can already feel the anxiety within ourselves. We just need your patience and understanding. We will get our first paycheck. We will eventually love what we will be doing for the rest of our lives.

What’s the rush