I was able to scroll through my WordPress posts and damn, all I can say is that I’m such a pessimist. Looking back, I can really say that I have so much hatred towards the world during my younger years where I used to comply to what is right with respect to the society’s standards and hold myself back most of the time – which lead me to ponder on a serious matter we recently talked about.
Years back, I found it silly when you asked me if I was suicidal. Mental health care at that time was a taboo and I, myself, thought I can beat the odds and not dwell on being anxious or depressed. So I responded to your question – a firm “no”. However, now, I can reveal the truth because finally, I’m not finding it shameful to admit my actual feelings back then. I had lots of past traumas which made me think most things I knew felt normal. I’m having a hard time to assess if my thoughts seemingly lean towards ending my life because they were not gruesome, at least for me. It was just as simple as I wouldn’t mind if an unfortunate accident occur while I was at the back ride of the tricycle and get thrown into the road or when I get hit by a bus while jaywalking at Lawton walking towards the LRT station. It seemed simple but having those thoughts were actually not okay. I just didn’t accept at that time even if it meant ending something beautiful in this lifetime.
It took me several years before realizing that I actually had suicidal thoughts. And this is all thanks to you. You made me brave enough to feel vulnerable and face reality. You made me feel that it was okay as long as I’m living my life without such intrusive thoughts in the present. The past six years was so magical that you restored genuine happiness in my life, no kidding. You made me want to experience what the universe has to offer and so much more. And so I did; I’ve been meaning to spend the rest of my lifetime with you, leaving the past behind.
I was really into writing and I appreciate that you constantly affirm that I’m good at it. I can agree to some extent but I wouldn’t actually say that I’m great. During my pre-school days, I can vividly remember how I would excel at all subjects except Reading – the only subject where you just have to literally read and answer questions related to the narrative. I suck at it. I had a very short attention span even when I was young. I wasn’t fond of reading the stories; I go straight to the questions and see if I can answer them at my own will – defeats the purpose of the subject. If only I overcame my laziness to read, I could’ve been great at writing without doubting my skills now.
I knew my weakness so I veered my attention off to Language. I may not be that good at telling cohesive stories but I made sure I knew the fundamentals of grammar. Maybe that’s why I keep on writing of long sorts; expressing myself with the language I’m somewhat familiar with. I can easily tell if someone else’s writing is better compared to mine because all my head thinks is “Bakit ‘di ko naisip isulat ‘yon?” I instantly feel inferior because it just proves I lack at something. But thanks for always keeping me in check especially on times you give me the validation I never knew I needed.
And since I kept on sending you long messages, you felt the need to reciprocate at first. You have been trying your best to make such good pieces and still be ashamed to share because you would always think I’d judged it entirely. Thanks for taking the extra mile for doing something you’re not comfortable with. I sincerely appreciate that. At one point, you stopped sending one because you realized it was not you. And that was okay. You prefer telling your thoughts directly to me. It was frustrating for me at first to spill out everything at once without receiving the same kind of energy back. But love isn’t all about reciprocation. You give love because you love the person. You can only expect to receive the love you give but never of equal amount all the time.
I witnessed how you were able to give your love all out and how I was not able to properly reciprocate it. So why would I ask for something in return if I’m the one taking efforts now? You adjusted on how I was in our relationship. We were complete opposites as we knew each other longer. You’re spontaneous; I want to plan things and stick with the plan. You prefer video calls; I’d rather send a long-ass message on chat (this was before I came out). You like movies; I have a short attention span to even finish a 40-minute show in one sitting. You would spend impulsively; I’d like to be more practical. You managed to bear with me and recalibrate your character just to meet my needs even if it means it’ll contradict yours. You were doing all these things because it’s in your nature to make someone you love feel loved. And I felt that up to my deepest core. Despite all these differences (a whole lot more I haven’t mentioned), we managed to stay beside each other and make our relationship work. We eventually knew our similarities and sticked to them to enjoy our ride. We became compatible in supporting the UST team, watching volleyball games, fanboy-ing on Korean girl groups, and being clingy and comfortable in bed 👀 to say the least.
You’re best at adjusting when we were together before and now that we’re apart, I saw how you struggle. That’s why it occurred to me to step up and be the one who has to broaden my patience and not force things with you. The more you feel pushed to do things, the less you will care and eventually not execute them. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m trying my very best to just go with your flow and to not be too assertive in taking up your time. I’d like for you to talk to me whenever you feel like it. I stopped barging you with my thoughts which kept bugging me because it’s something from the past and we’re moving forward now. I stopped expecting you’d need me all the time so I started choosing to do other stuff (aka working out) at my own pace now.
It’s truly difficult to be in a long distance relationship and we can attest to that now. I’ve been having so many little breakdowns from time to time because I initially thought that as long as I get to save more, it’s a win for me. It didn’t cross my mind how this would affect our relationship and my mental health. I would worry more because we became intangible to each other. Worse, I’m damn afraid someone else would find you really attractive and interesting and make you feel things you deserve, and fall for him. You know this now and I wouldn’t want to lose you ever again. I hope I can make you feel loved in spite of the distance. I’m a firm believer that we can sort most things, if not everything, out and eventually live together happily once again. So I hope you’ll still be present when I get back to the airport back home (or I’ll be present when you decided to step abroad).
You are so much more than a pretty face and a façade of aesthetic content. Yes, you have such lovely eyebrows and lips. Only a few who grows beard suits their face and you’re one of them. Your chest is such a nice place to sleep hehe. You know your beautiful angles and pose at the camera comfortably. But aside from those physical compliments, you are so much more and surely are a keeper. You are adorable and genuinely kind. You’re a smart person, giving sincere opinions. You consider other people’s feelings before yours at times. You’re patient enough to tolerate me. You allow yourself to feel vulnerable when you needed to. You stayed with me despite my past and took the risk to truly love me.
I’m still trying to improve as an individual, a boyfriend, a family member, a friend. But there were, are and will be times that I would still feel hurt because of the things we allowed to happen. And you have nothing to worry about. These things will not go away easily but it will surely fade away through time. I just hope you can bear with me while I try to navigate myself in our situation and allow me to feel things. You can only imagine how hard it is for me whenever I feel homesick and I don’t have any close friends to run to whenever I need to. I can be happy all day but in just a snap, whenever longingness uninvitedly taps me, it will just be more difficult to deal with it alone. We survived a war and I hope we continue to be timeless.
At this point, I hope this post would rather impose a positive tone than another pessimistic one just like what I used to write before. More importantly, I hope we already found each other’s way back home – in each other’s arms – just like what I appealed to my previous post. I will be forever grateful to you for becoming my person and I will continue to be your safe space as we sail through this beautiful life that we have. I love you more than you’ll ever know.
An Escape for an Overthinker 