When you are caught in between your desires is such a damn thing I hate being myself: what you want vs what you want. Seems like making an uneasy decision as to what matters more than the other. You wanted to do both but you can’t be in the same place at the same time. Of course, there’s a choice to be made. There will always be a choice if there are options waving in your eyes. However, you cannot weigh right away which path to take, what beans to spill, which reasons are more reasonable.
It’s sad to think that you got to spend your time less with the people you’ve had always been since then. The ones you shared stories and laughter while eating the food you all craved for a long time. The ones you’ve always wanted to spend your free time and even squeeze some spontaneous getaway into your tight schedule.
It’s a sacrifice I didn’t think I can actually make. A gesture I wasn’t fond of doing. A decision made that wasn’t just me.
A matter of you enjoying the company of others while I, back to my roots, lifting the spoon and fork all alone in a sea of strangers inside a famous red chain in the middle of an unfamiliar vicinity. But that’s okay. I’m okay.
The bridge we built
Turned into a wall so high
We promised we’ll not quit
Until every moment became full of sighs
You were meant to be a motivation
A source of happy pill when down
Everything nice but a distraction
Twas exhausting until a smile turned into a frown
A gap which needs to be filled
By something or someone out there
Just do whatever and get thrilled
Your own thoughts will only get you nowhere
Always strive to look upon everybody’s beauty
Pessimism has its way to break you
Until then, you gotta stay positive low-key
Never let hatred consume you
As time flies, the more you get to know each other, the more you’ll notice your differences. And the deeper you unveil how opposite you are, the more challenging it gets to stay on track.
Thing is, as much as you think that you’re putting more effort than the other, know that the latter makes his/her ways, too, to reach out for you. He/She wouldn’t take time to be with you if not for his/her longingness of your presence. Setting aside the usual plans just to enjoy your company won’t hurt his/her time. It is you that was chosen. It is you that he/she was willing to give the time that could be allotted for other special things. Because in the end, what really matters is the memory you make and the time you spend until both of you can. So don’t just sit there, doing your thing, not reaching out to make him/her stay because these things don’t make sense. It just adds to the fact that both of you are uncomfortable and it feels worse.
You don’t need to hear what I don’t want to say.
You don’t deserve the hate.
You don’t deserve me.
There will always be a gap.
A gap that should be filled by something or by someone.
To somehow earn what needs to be gained.
To somehow feel what it’s like to be full even just for a short period of time.
After all, there is this feeling of uneasiness when you haven’t resolved a problem that needed a two-way talk.
The one that needs understanding has yet to say something but the one that needs to understand can’t always “adjust” and be the “bigger person”. In reality, if the former feels uneasy for his/her fault, the latter feels the same way for being far from normal, believe it or not.
Happiness is what we’re always longing for. That feeling when someone checks out on you and asks “how are you doing?” instead of “whatya doing” just feels right, right? Or when your favorite doughnut flavor isn’t out of stock during one of your most down days. How happy can that be.
But can we really attain happiness? Yes, we can. However, it usually happens at the spur of the moment. You can be happy overnight but the next day, your mood won’t be the same as last night’s. You can spend time together and do goofy gestures but at some point, you’ll lose interest because the other did things that were not supposed to do as promised. When you say you’ll try your best to avoid such acts, don’t try; just avoid it period. No questions asked. How can we assure that you won’t do it again when you’re constantly saying you’ll try every after you do it. You just make a fool of the person you speak to and of yourself, duh.
Being surrounded by people can also be a source of happiness. But take note, make sure to be surrounded by people who won’t fail and betray you. People will always say things about you, good and even things that would hurt you. Choose the right people. Don’t limit yourself with people who can’t make the right decisions for themselves. Don’t always let yourself adjust for their actions. Better to communicate well with them so that things get settled and no one needs to understand and be understood. Not talking to each other just causes misunderstanding which leads to one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s like you didn’t do something for the other but the other didn’t get the message and just left you hanging without any warning at all. When you’re waiting for a little concern to cross the other’s mind but nah, let’s avoid each other and you do what you wanna do and i’ll do what i want.
Sometimes, you just really need someone to stay beside you all the time. The mere presence is beyond enough. That feeling when you have someone to share random thoughts and stories that just pop out of your head. That feeling when you can just be you and be genuine with everything you say. That feeling when you won’t feel alone when everybody else has left because you’re rest assured that there’s a single person who won’t let you be alone. Because man, I’m telling you. Being alone has never been the best feeling. You will just get trapped with deep sadness and get hurt by the truth that nobody chose to be with you. When everybody else chose to leave and not a single person chose to stay with you, that just sucks. No one chose to consider what you might feel when you’ll be left yet again. No one chose you. The person you thought would stay didn’t hesitate to leave.
How ironic how everybody wants to be happy when life isn’t that easy to live and always tricks you to feel what the opposite of happiness feels like. We always strive to be happy. We strive to be happy from and with other people. But we’re all grown up and life is just full of challenges. We should seek happiness within ourselves first. Because it’s ourselves that we can hold onto after all, no one else.
One last push this college! A week full of pahabol quizzes and project deadlines and another hell week for finals. We got this!