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still pondering


I feel sad.

Uh, again.

I don’t know. I just knew that something felt right with all the things that happened. But it’s just me pala. I’ve mistakenly picked the hints in a way I thought everything’s okay, that we’re okay.

I always make a fool of myself when people tease me to other girls, when I always tell them that I want to pass by Beato or go to La Salle to spot pretty ladies. Yes, I want to see beautiful faces but I stopped liking other people because I know, in my heart, that I already have in mind a girl I’d like to pursue. Problem is, chances are getting less and less each day that we’ve been wasting time to get to know each other more.

Worse, if this is just an unrequited feeling. Time permits you to do things that you need to do. But it is also time that allows people to reconnect and feel happy.

I’m not searching for an answer. I’m not looking for the truth. I just want you to spill the words that you’ve been keeping for so long.

still pondering

Bedimmed Life

Hey. The year’s almost over! Or should I say, the year is almost over.

Four days before Christmas. Four days before my birthday.

I don’t know. I really don’t know what to feel at this moment.

Everything’s a fluster. I can’t seem to endure the fact that while others are spending the holidays at peace, some are still fighting their battles in academics and life in general.

Okay. So to cut the chase, I’m overthinking. I envy people who can celebrate the season with their complete family. Going out of town to feel the cool breeze during the day and the extra cold atmosphere at night. Trying new dishes and swearing to come back once they visited the place again. Receiving gifts from your loved ones and getting shocked for an abundant cash coming from the generous ninongs and ninangs.

But it’s not just about that. I get upset when my mind begins to boggle the thought of being one of those people surprising our friends on their birthday. Secretly compiling the greeting letters, buying a birthday cake, singing an enthusiastic [sometimes funeral-like] birthday song, and the like. I’m distressing myself from the fact that everyone is enjoying their family’s company during my birthday [which happens to be on Christmas Day] and I can’t experience the usual birthday surprise or any birthday celebration with my closest friends. Yes, ang babaw pero ‘di nyo maiintindihan yung feeling kasi ‘di Pasko birthday n’yo huhu. But still, I’m blessed to share the same birthday with our Lord!

Academically speaking, this term is the best so far out of the nine semesters I took. I got 1.0 from three subjects including Marriage and Family (SCL 9) which bothered me, in a way. I’ve learned the rights, the do’s and don’ts, the theories. But I can’t seem to apply those in real life since I, for one, has not yet found somebody that I’ll share my life with for a lifetime. Truth be told, my first two years in college, I never thought of having a girlfriend because, uh, I don’t know. I’m too young and uh, college. I didn’t think I can handle the pressure of both acads and love life during those years pwe. [I regretted not looking for someone on those youthful years though.] I’ve been questioning myself for three years now; Why don’t I have a girlfriend up until today? Do I want to have someone to be with this college? Why can’t I find someone easily the way others do? Am I that too hard to be with? Am I not that special that every time I ask someone out, I get rejected? What does it feel like to have a study buddy when you both have exams? What does it feel like to go to places the first time for both of you? What does it feel like to witness each other’s achievements? What does it feel like to have someone to share your problems openly without feeling the sense of judgment? What does it feel like to have someone that you would like to seek for advice? What does it feel like to go to special occasions and introduce each other to your friends and relatives? What does it feel like to go with someone at the mall to buy a dress and wait for hours before arriving for the final dress? What does it feel like to take stolen photos of each other and post it online saying how much you love each other? What does it feel like to have a number 1 supporter into anything you do? 

Sucks to be me, right? I don’t know what to feel anymore. Each year that passes by, I’m feeling more “less Christmas-y” as the 25th approaches. Hay.

Another year for a sad me. Just allow me to be a part of your life chos.

Kasi ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit chos ulit.
Bedimmed Life